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Thread: Joke Thread

  1. #11
    Nothing but a Thing JKFlyer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jeff_in_rc View Post
    This is the ONLY joke my wife has laughed at in the 23 years we have been together, hope you like it.

    A guy is walking down the street past a mental hospital surronded by a huge wooden fence when he hears a group inside chanting "twelve, twelve, twelve". As he walks a little further down the street he sees a hole in the fence and decides to look thru the hole to see if he can find out why they are chanting.

    As he puts his face against the fence and looks thru the hole someone inside pokes him in the eye with a stick, then he hears them chanting "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen"!
    :thumbup: I like that one!

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  2. #12
    Knows a Thing or Two Desert Rose JK's Avatar
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    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.

    “Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?

    “Feels great”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken”!
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  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Desert Rose JK View Post
    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.

    “Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?

    “Feels great”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken”!
    Lmao that was excellent. Good thread topic, keep em coming. I'm trying to recall some of the good ones I knew

    The Force will be with you.... always

  4. #14
    Nothing but a Thing pvanweelden's Avatar
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    A woman with a parakeet on her shoulder walks into a crowded bar full of men and says "I will f_ck and s_ck each and everyone of you if someone can guess how much this parakeet weighs"

    a guy in the back yells out "500 pounds"

    She says "close enough"


  5. #15
    Hooked PJScullyJr's Avatar
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    But Officer . . .
    One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
    drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
    He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
    So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in
    the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
    The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
    I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit.
    What seems to be the problem?"
    "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
    that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
    "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!
    Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
    The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
    that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
    A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
    pointing out her error.
    "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?
    These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
    this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

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  6. #16
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    Alright I remember one:

    Two elderly men are sitting on a bench in the park talking about their lives when one starts to say how fast time as flown and how old he is now. The other man looks to him and states I bet I can guess exactly how old you are. The first man agrees to take the bet, saying that there's no way. The second man tells him to stand up and pull his pants down. The first man goes what are you talking about? There's people around we are in public. The second man says do you want me to guess or not? So the first man does what he's told. The second man then says okay, pull your underwear down. The first man, resists again, the second man responding that he will guess his exact age. The first man pulls his underwear down. The second man tells him to bend over and stick his thumb up his ass. The first man does. The second says are 94 years old. The first man stands up straight and says, you're exactly right..... how did you do that? The second man says, You told me yesterday..

    The Force will be with you.... always

  7. #17
    Word Ninja Sharkey's Avatar
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    Princess Kate and Dolly Parton both die simultaneously in a car accident. They ascend to heaven and are standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter proclaims, "Unfortunately there is only enough room left in heaven for one of you. You must show me something extraordinary about you which compels entrance into heaven."

    Dolly Parton immediately says, "No problem y'all" and whips open her shirt to display her trademark large breasts.

    Princess Kate ponders for a minute, grabs a bottle of douche and does her business, then hands St. Peter the bag.

    St. Peter looks at the bag, then at Dolly and, after pondering what he has just witnessed, pointedly declares:

    "I'm sorry Dolly, but a royal flush beats two of a kind."

  8. #18
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    ^lmfao rofl epic

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  9. #19
    Been Around the Block GRNHORN's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sharkey View Post
    Princess Kate and Dolly Parton both die simultaneously in a car accident. They ascend to heaven and are standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter proclaims, "Unfortunately there is only enough room left in heaven for one of you. You must show me something extraordinary about you which compels entrance into heaven."

    Dolly Parton immediately says, "No problem y'all" and whips open her shirt to display her trademark large breasts.

    Princess Kate ponders for a minute, grabs a bottle of douche and does her business, then hands St. Peter the bag.

    St. Peter looks at the bag, then at Dolly and, after pondering what he has just witnessed, pointedly declares:

    "I'm sorry Dolly, but a royal flush beats two of a kind."
    That is funny. I have a coworker that knows all kinds of jokes. When he gets back in the office I will get some from him.

  10. #20
    Guy with a Red 2-Door cozdude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PJScullyJr View Post
    But Officer . . .
    One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
    drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
    He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
    So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in
    the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
    The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
    I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit.
    What seems to be the problem?"
    "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
    that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
    "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!
    Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
    The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
    that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
    A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
    pointing out her error.
    "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK?
    These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
    this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

    Sent from my Z10 using WAYALIFE mobile app
    Quote Originally Posted by Aeraun View Post
    Alright I remember one:

    Two elderly men are sitting on a bench in the park talking about their lives when one starts to say how fast time as flown and how old he is now. The other man looks to him and states I bet I can guess exactly how old you are. The first man agrees to take the bet, saying that there's no way. The second man tells him to stand up and pull his pants down. The first man goes what are you talking about? There's people around we are in public. The second man says do you want me to guess or not? So the first man does what he's told. The second man then says okay, pull your underwear down. The first man, resists again, the second man responding that he will guess his exact age. The first man pulls his underwear down. The second man tells him to bend over and stick his thumb up his ass. The first man does. The second says are 94 years old. The first man stands up straight and says, you're exactly right..... how did you do that? The second man says, You told me yesterday..

    The Force will be with you.... always
    Quote Originally Posted by Sharkey View Post
    Princess Kate and Dolly Parton both die simultaneously in a car accident. They ascend to heaven and are standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter proclaims, "Unfortunately there is only enough room left in heaven for one of you. You must show me something extraordinary about you which compels entrance into heaven."

    Dolly Parton immediately says, "No problem y'all" and whips open her shirt to display her trademark large breasts.

    Princess Kate ponders for a minute, grabs a bottle of douche and does her business, then hands St. Peter the bag.

    St. Peter looks at the bag, then at Dolly and, after pondering what he has just witnessed, pointedly declares:

    "I'm sorry Dolly, but a royal flush beats two of a kind."



    at all 3! they were all great!
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