" A Guy Walks into a Bar........"

TrailHunter

TrailHunter

Hooked
Let's see your Best Jokes!... We could all use a good laugh.

I'll go first...

On a really hot day, a Penguin takes his JEEP to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it take to fix?" The mechanic says, "Only About an Hour."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the 7/11 across the street.... When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts eating the ice cream. Two hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic shop..
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my JEEP?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you Blew a Seal." The penguin says, "No, No I was just eating some Ice Cream!!"


Sent from my iPhone using WAYALIFE mobile app
 
Ddays

Ddays

Hooked
TrailHunter said:
Let's see your Best Jokes!... We could all use a good laugh.

I'll go first...

On a really hot day, a Penguin takes his JEEP to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it take to fix?" The mechanic says, "Only About an Hour."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the 7/11 across the street.... When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts eating the ice cream. Two hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic shop..
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my JEEP?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you Blew a Seal." The penguin says, "No, No I was just eating some Ice Cream!!"
Click to expand...

Is plagiarizing monkeys allowed? :idontknow:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSi-yCV-gQ4

"It's a damn penguin car" Funny stuff. There is a joke thread already started on here.
 
WJCO

WJCO

Meme King
Not sure if it's true, but this is a funny story I read years ago:





Dealing with Assholes.

This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

Then, one day this old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.




After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.

The asshole said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Asshole!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Asshole!"

And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two Assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, ...

I taped it all off the evening news. lol
 
MSJKU11

MSJKU11

Caught the Bug
WJCO said:
Not sure if it's true, but this is a funny story I read years ago:





Dealing with Assholes.

This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

Then, one day this old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.




After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.

The asshole said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Asshole!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Asshole!"

And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two Assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, ...

I taped it all off the evening news. lol
Click to expand...
Lmao! That was great

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using WAYALIFE mobile app
 
Brute

Brute

Hooked
A guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says "I'll bet you a hundred dollars I can pee into that shot glass and not get a drop on the bar"...bartender says "that's impossible...you're on". The guy proceeds to unzip his pants and pees all over the bar. The bartender laughingly says "that's the easiest hundred dollars I ever made", to which the guy replies "well, I bet those guys at that table behind me a grand that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't be mad about it"...


Sent from my iPhone using WAYALIFE mobile app
 
Honor2afault

Honor2afault

Caught the Bug
This fella walks into a Mexican bar and as he's drinking his beer he notices a sign above a stall in the corner that stated " If you can make this burro laugh all your drinks are on the house". So the fella asks the bartender if it was true and the bartender agreed. He saunters on over to the burro and whispers something in its ear, to which the burro busts up laughing.
The bartender, somewhat taken aback, keeps his word and all the fellas drinks were free.
Two weeks later, the same fella walks back into the bar to the braying laughter of that burro and noticed a sign above the stall that stated "If you can make this burro cry all your drinks are on the house". Once again the fella asked the bartender if it was true and was told that, indeed, it was true. So this fella asked for a moment alone with the burro and when they came back that burro was crying the biggest crocodile tears you ever saw.
The bartender, absolutely, floored by the series of events asks the fella, as he handed him the first free drink, "I have to know, what in the world did you say that made that burro laugh and then cry?"
Taking his first drink of beer, the fella laughed and said "Well ya see first I told that burro that I had a bigger dick than he did. Which he found very funny. Then I showed him...."

Courtesy is given. Respect is Earned.
 
duktrx

duktrx

Active Member
WJCO said:
Not sure if it's true, but this is a funny story I read years ago:





Dealing with Assholes.

This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the asshole.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

Then, one day this old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.




After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.

The asshole said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Asshole!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Asshole!"

And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two Assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, ...

I taped it all off the evening news. lol
Click to expand...
[emoji23] even if it's not true it still made my day better.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-T337A using WAYALIFE mobile app
 
TrailHunter

TrailHunter

Hooked
A Husband and Wife are at their Weekly Marriage counseling session... the first 20 minutes into it, and there is nothing but fighting and pointing fingers.... The Counselor calms them down and says, "Lets try and focus on some of the Positives in your relationship. Why don't we talk about something you both have in COMMON..." the The Husband thinks for a second, then slowly raises his hand, " I got one.... Neither one of us like to suck dick.."



Sent from my iPhone using WAYALIFE mobile app
 
JKU Arizona

JKU Arizona

Member
3 Jeep dudes get stranded on a trail, with no other Jeeps in sight they decided to each pull something from the Jeep and carry it to find help.
The first dude pulls the radiator, the others ask him why? “Just in case I get thirsty”
The second dude pulls and carries a seat, “just in case I get tired, I’ll sit down.
The third dude decided to unhinged and carry a door. confused as they’re walking looking at the guy with the door they ask him why a door? The third dude replies “ Well just in case I get hot, I’ll just roll the window down”.




Sent from my SM-G950U using WAYALIFE mobile app
 
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