Joke Thread

MTG

Caught the Bug
This is a rather sardonic method of ridicule for yet another lazy Adam Sandler film. For some reason, Americans keep spending their hard earned money to watch the lowest common denominator of humor and entertainment. It's almost as bad as paying to see a Paranormal Activity or Transformers (so-called) movie.

Oh I understand their thinly veiled attempt at mockery. It was just poorly executed. But as you say Americans keep spending their hard earned (in this case time) watching the lowest common denominator of humor and entertainment. I get that it makes some people feel good about themselves or even witty. And in the end, the production was a "joke" so it's likely posted in the correct forum. ;)
 

tobias lopez

New member
So I was having sex with this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

The nice lady said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have run...but you don't get offers like that every day.

Little Johnny Strikes Again

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says:

"I wanna hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ....

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore."

I haven't kept up on this thread so please forgive me if its been shared already....

An Italian Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"'Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads!":thumb::cheesy:

πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜…
 

computeruser6

New member
Oh I understand their thinly veiled attempt at mockery. It was just poorly executed. But as you say Americans keep spending their hard earned (in this case time) watching the lowest common denominator of humor and entertainment. I get that it makes some people feel good about themselves or even witty. And in the end, the production was a "joke" so it's likely posted in the correct forum. ;)

The sad thing is that Mike and Jay have better acting skills than Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Adam Sandler's other friends. They also didn't spend $79 million on the less than three minute video. Just ask Sony Pictures what they think of having to produce Adam Sandler's films. I guess they're better than a Transformers movie.
 

trailraider

Active Member
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $200?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
 

trailraider

Active Member
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Larry replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
 

MTG

Caught the Bug
Two friends are traveling to Pittsburg. One says he'll buy the tickets if the other pays for the hotel. After they agree, one of the guys approaches the ticket stand, he sees that the ticket gal has a HUGE rack on her and finds it hard not to stare. He looks at her and says "Two pickets to Tittsburg-Oh my gosh! I am so sorry!! I ment to say tickets to Pittsburg. I swear." Laughing, she says not to worry about it and hands him his tickets. He immediately pays and walks off to find his friend. When he does, he explains what happened. Laughing, his friend says the same thing happened to him at breakfast the day and not to feel so bad. He said "I mix my words up all the time Frank. So, I'm having breakfast with my wife and asked her to pass the butter and accidentally said 'You ruined my life you fucking bitch'."
 

bigtrucker52

New member
Two friends are traveling to Pittsburg. One says he'll buy the tickets if the other pays for the hotel. After they agree, one of the guys approaches the ticket stand, he sees that the ticket gal has a HUGE rack on her and finds it hard not to stare. He looks at her and says "Two pickets to Tittsburg-Oh my gosh! I am so sorry!! I ment to say tickets to Pittsburg. I swear." Laughing, she says not to worry about it and hands him his tickets. He immediately pays and walks off to find his friend. When he does, he explains what happened. Laughing, his friend says the same thing happened to him at breakfast the day and not to feel so bad. He said "I mix my words up all the time Frank. So, I'm having breakfast with my wife and asked her to pass the butter and accidentally said 'You ruined my life you fucking bitch'."

This just made my day. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
 

MTG

Caught the Bug
Husband went to the Sheriff's Department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
 

cmireles

Member
Husband went to the Sheriff's Department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

I feel the need to point out that ford does not make a 5 liter v8 ecoboost motor πŸ˜‚
 

OverlanderJK

Resident Smartass
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................
 

David1tontj

New member
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

That's messed up! And way too funny.
 
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