Joke Thread

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
And two small children.

Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams "Allah ho akhbar!",
raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?


THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:



Democrat's Answer:

� Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
� What is a Kimber 1911 .45 ACP?
� Does the man look poor or oppressed?
� Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
� Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
� Could we run away?
� What does my wife think?
� What about the kids?
� Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
� What does the law say about this situation?
� Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
� Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
� Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
� Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
� If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
� Should I call 9-1-1?
� Why is this street so deserted?
� We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
� Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
� I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
� This is all so confusing!

............ ........ ........ ........... ........ ........ ........ ........ ..


Republican's Answer:



BANG!


............ ........ ...... ......... ......... ......... ........ .......

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click...... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!

Now that is F’ing Funny!


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From my Dad....

Two dogs were out playing in a field running around on a boring rainy day. Just then, a strange dog strolls onto their property. They take off after the dog who instinctively runs in the opposite direction. The two dogs chasing were getting mud kicked up in their faces almost to the point of not being able to see in front of them anymore. One looks at his buddy and says "Man, this is a bitch ain't it!". He replies "I certainly hope so."
 
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when I was walking to work today I slipped on some black ice. At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got up my wallet was missing.
 
Right after this 6’6” 240 lb star football player married this little cheer leader; he pulled off his pants and said put these on. She put them on and they came up to her chest. She said these are to big for me... He then boasted, “damn right they are, I wear the pants in this family and don’t you forget it.”
She then pulled off her panties and said put these on. When he could only pull them up to his knees told her “I can’t get into these”.
She quickly replied “damn right you can’t and your not going to till you change your attitude.”


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Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus.

"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.

"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".
 
What’s the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until age 13 or 14.
 
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Hi,Joe, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard

Neighbor’s response:

Joe, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Joe then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Joe. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “Wi-Fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard
 
Hi,Joe, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard

Neighbor’s response:

Joe, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Joe then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Joe. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “Wi-Fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard

:cheesy: :cheesy:
 
Hi,Joe, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard

Neighbor’s response:

Joe, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Joe then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Joe. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “Wi-Fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard

Lol


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Ok, so...

A priest, a pregnant lady, and a contractor are on a plane. The engines quit and it’s going to crash. As luck would have it there’s only 2 parachutes.

Pregnant lady: I need a parachute, not for me, for my unborn baby!

Priest: I need a parachute, not for me, but for my parish!

Contractor: I just need an extension cord. It’ll get hung up on something on the way down!


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