Joke Thread

Adam was getting lonely in the garden of eden so god sent him down a companion with strict instructions to not let eve go in the water. After a while, she started to smell badly so Adam decided to go against gods wishes and asked eve to please go for a good swim. Moments later god yells down “Adam! What are you doing ?” Sorry god but she was starting to smell a little ripe! To which god replied “ great... now all the fish are going to smell like that “.


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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, “Now, Helen, Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”

Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better better than you.”

The wife: “who said that?”

Helen: “Your husband.”

The wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

The wife: “who said that?”

Helen: “Your husband.”

The wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.”

The wife: “Did my husband say that as well?”

Helen: “No, the gardener did.”

The wife: “So, how much of a raise do you want?”




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ProtocolJK said:
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, “Now, Helen, Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”

Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better better than you.”

The wife: “who said that?”

Helen: “Your husband.”

The wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

The wife: “who said that?”

Helen: “Your husband.”

The wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.”

The wife: “Did my husband say that as well?”

Helen: “No, the gardener did.”

The wife: “So, how much of a raise do you want?”
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:cheesy: :cheesy:
 
Going off the theme of the last few jokes , here's a pretty good one

The first Apple:

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars!There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man..

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police. You see, many years ago it was Adam who actually ate the apple"





sent from SPACE!
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Why did god create man before he created woman?





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Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.
 
A man late for work was haulin ass down the road. He passed over a bridge only to find a cop hiding with a radar gun on the other side.

The cop pulled him over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and asked, 'Where the hell are you going in such a hurry?'

The man replied, 'I'm late for work and I have a very important job.'

'Really,' said the cop, 'what do you do that’s so important?’

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' he responded.

Dumbfounded, the cop asked ‘A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' he said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?’ he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'


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Speedy_RCW said:
A man late for work was haulin ass down the road. He passed over a bridge only to find a cop hiding with a radar gun on the other side.

The cop pulled him over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and asked, 'Where the hell are you going in such a hurry?'

The man replied, 'I'm late for work and I have a very important job.'

'Really,' said the cop, 'what do you do that’s so important?’

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' he responded.

Dumbfounded, the cop asked ‘A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' he said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?’ he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'


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^^^ Thats great ^^^ Wonder how that would go over these days?..;)
 
Here's one of my late mother's favorites. I first heard it when I was about 11 or 12 years old so I figured I'd share.


A new care giver arrives at the mental hospital on her first day of work.

The head nurse said she wants to introduce her to some of her patients she'll be looking after during her shift.

The walk to the first room and there is a gentleman in there simulating a golf swing.

The nurse says "Bill I'd like you to meet the new care giver for the wing."

Bill responds with a "Howdy" and continues his practice swing.

The care giver, curiously asks "Bill, may I ask what you are doing?"

Bill responds "You wont' have to worry about looking after me I'm getting out today so I'm warming up for my round of golf"

The care giver exchanges glances with the head nurse who is silently shaking her head NO.

They continue to the next room where an elderly lady is practicing what appears to be a tennis swing.

"Lilly, I'd like you to meet the new care giver for the wing" the head nurse says.

"Hello dear" Lilly says and continues her tennis swing.

Again the care giver asks "Lilly, may I ask what you are doing?"

Lilly responds "You aren't going to have to worry about me. I'm going home today so I warming up for my afternoon tennis match"

As she looks towards the nurse she see's her silently shaking her head NO.

As they continue on, the head nurse explains a lot of the patients believe they are being discharged.

They come to a third room with a naked man laying on the bed balancing several peanuts on his penis.

Shocked and caught off guard, trying not to look the care giver introduces herself and asks "May I ask where you're going today?"

The man responds with "Lady, I ain't going no where. I'm fuckin nuts!"


Back story my mom was a feisty, tough Italian bar tender and heard a lot of jokes from customers. She never hesitated to share them with my brother and I regardless of age...haha. This is also coming from a woman who threw a box of condoms at me on my 16th birthday and said "Here, happy birthday! Don't make me a grandma before your 18!"
 
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium…
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
 
Sharkey said:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium…
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
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That's pretty good. Word mix ups are always funny.
 
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